I Used To Feel Like I Didn’t Belong Anywhere

Feeling lonely and disconnected from others freaking sucks. So does feeling like you don’t belong anywhere. I should know – I spent my formative and early adult years feeling this way – and it nearly took my life. In this post, I share how I went from feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere to knowing without any sense of doubt that not only do I belong but that I’m a critically important element in my community. And, I circle it back to you.

Backstory

I’d always been deeply empathic and introverted. And I always felt different, like I didn’t really fit in anywhere.

Being different without having a rock-solid sense of Self can feel isolating and be disastrous, and so once I recovered from my nearly fatal suicide attempt (circa 1996), I did my damndest to conform to the relative safety of culture.

That is, until I embarked on a journey to live in alignment with who I truly was (circa 1999).

My journey took a detour, however, and though things significantly improved for me over the years – for example, I haven’t been suicidal since 1996 – it wasn’t until the pandemic hit that I finally experienced the connection and belonging I’d spent decades yearning for.

Of course, the pandemic didn’t inspire any feelings of belonging or connection, but during the lockdown, something remarkable happened.

I remembered who I am.

And I began to live in integrity with my truth, my true nature, my wild spirit, my soul.

Though I’d set out to do this back in 1999, I’d lost my way early on when I molded myself into the person I believed that my then-boyfriend wanted. *Ugh.*

But this time around, I stopped fearing the repercussions of sharing the real me with the world. If someone didn’t embrace me as I was, I silently wished them well. And…

…I came to trust that I was truly cared for by our Universe and chose to live my life accordingly.

…I invested in myself in ways that propelled my growth. For example, I enrolled in Martha Beck’s Wayfinder Life Coach Training program and also in SoulWork’s 300-hour yoga teacher training.

…and, I surrounded myself with sisters who were on their own journeys to remember who they are.

Once I came back to living in integrity with my truth, everything – and I mean EVERYTHING – changed.

For example, my body would no longer allow me to continue to work at my wrong-for-me corporate job, and so I quit, despite the fact that I carried a boatload of debt and lacked any real semblance of a safety debt.

It was liberating AF (even as it was scary AF!).

Then, I got sober. And then, I paid off a shit ton of debt.

But the most transformative shifts were internal.

Perhaps the greatest life-changing shift was that I came to love ME. Neither the inner work I’d spent years doing nor the hundreds – if not thousands – of hours I’d spend meditating were enough to get me to this point.

And yet, loving myself ended up being a natural byproduct of living in integrity with who I am.

This is the heart of Wayfinding.

When we live in integrity with who we truly are, something powerful happens.

We experience our light and divine radiance. We experience the truth of who we are, deep down, beneath the masks we’ve worn and the stories we’ve told.

We can’t help but fiercely honor our divine nature.

We no longer fear rejection for being ourselves.

And we naturally come to shed the addictions that numb us from our lives.

That may sound like a tall order, but it has truly been my own lived experience; it’s such a far cry from the version of me who nearly died from an intentional overdose in the early morning hours of August 1, 1996.*

*In full transparency, of course it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. When we move into integrity, we will face challenges. We will likely face rejection, experience a dark night of the soul, or find ourselves in an intolerable situation without an easy way out.

And yet, meeting these challenges from a place of integrity is a hell of a lot different – dare I say “easier”?! – than continuing to wear a suffocating mask. Again, at least this has been my own lived experience.

Here’s how this ties into belonging and connection.

When we live in integrity with who we truly are – when we listen to and honor our inner guides – we live differently.

We embody gratitude in an entirely new way.

We shine our light where it’s dark, and we hold a mirror to others so that they can begin to see their own light.

We do crazy things like call sister circles for no real reason other than that we felt called to.

We reach out to people who we sense are struggling.

We stop seeking out what’s in it for us and start asking how we can be of service to humanity and to the world.

And the world responds accordingly.

From my own lived experience, I’ve found that it’s entirely impossible to feel lonely or disconnected when I live in integrity with my truth.

But most of us get in our own way.

We wear our social masks.

If we have a gratitude practice, it’s conditional on getting what we want.

We don’t seek out the important-to-us lessons that are buried in the difficulties we face, and this causes us to be victims of our lives.

We strive for things that culture tells us to want rather than the things that light our souls on fire.

We tolerate things that go against our true natures so that we can uphold the illusion of security.

We get FOMO.

We numb ourselves with wine. Or nutritionally-devoid food. Or shopping. Or Netflix binges. Or gossip. Or gaming. Or [fill in the blank].

And when we do the things that keep us out of integrity with who we truly are, we are a magnet for others who aren’t living in integrity with who they truly are.

We listen to respond rather than to understand. We compete. We bemoan things. We get envious of other’s lives (or perhaps just their highlight reels).

But most of all, we fail to develop deep connections.

And we perpetuate our own loneliness, our own lack of belonging.

How could we ever belong when we’re living out of integrity with who we truly are?

How could we ever belong when we’re being someone we’re not?

The takeaway for YOU, restated, is to BE who you truly are.

It’s to BE the light you carry deep within.

It’s to BE the love that you are at your core.

It’s to BE the embodiment of your true natures.

And when you take off your mask – when the world sees you as you truly are – you inspire others to do the same.

Imagine a world full of humans living in alignment with their souls.

Imagine how beautiful our planet would be if this happened.

Imagine how beautiful, purpose-driven, and fulfilling your life could be if you were to just start…

This is what Wayfinding (and Wayfinder Coaching) is all about. Removing our masks and living in integrity with who we truly are. If you’re intrigued, click here to learn more about Wayfinder Coaching (aka Wayfinding).

That is all.

About Kristi

Kristi Amdahl is a Wayfinder Guide & Sacred Circle Facilitator. Her offers are designed to help you remember who you truly are and live in integrity with your true nature. View her bio here & sign up for her newsletter here.