when a teacher disappoints
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i am very discerning when it comes to selecting teachers. i am conscientious about not putting them on pedestals—they are humans like the rest of us—but embodied integrity* is tied for my #1 core value (the other is love), and i carefully choose those i want to learn from based on whether they, too, are walking embodiments of integrity.
*by 'embodied integrity', i just mean that the face they present to the world is aligned with how they truly show up in the world.
another criteria i have for the few i select to be my teachers is that they own their mistakes and make amends when they've caused harm. because i don't pedestal anyone, i expect them to make mistakes...and i expect that when they do, they will respond from a place of humility rather than justification.
several days ago, i learned about a years-old incident involving two of my teachers that felt like a gut-punch.
the alleged incident violated both of my criteria, and i spent close to a week struggling to reconcile it and decide how (or if) i want to respond.
do i ignore what i've learned, rationalizing it with the sentiment that 'no one's perfect'? do i call out or otherwise denounce my teachers? or do i find some middle ground?
a book that has helped me navigate this upsetting discovery is adrienne maree brown's we will not cancel us (and other dreams of transformative justice). the biggest takeaways for me were that (1) power dynamics are important, and (2) mistakes made and harm caused are two distinctive actions.
another consideration i've been gnawing on is why the event in question upset me as deeply as it did. again, it is years-old, doesn't affect me personally, and—on a scale of atrocious behavior—many would argue isn't all that significant.
what became clear to me is that i realized that maybe i was actually pedestaling these individuals after all. that by expecting them to always be in integrity and to never cause harm is, in fact, a way of pedestaling them. oof.
so what happens now?
a while back, a sister lovingly (and privately) called me out for leaning on my teachers rather than developing my own voice. this recent discovery is the push i've needed to do just that.
i won't be 'cancelling' or calling out my teachers, and i am grateful for their teachings that have shaped who i am today in truly the best of ways. and yet, i am extricating myself somewhat from their spheres of influence; i am de-pedestaling them. for starters, i cancelled my flights to and registration for a retreat i’d planned to attend with one of them.
it feels very clean and in integrity with my soul.
this is bound to evolve as i continue to reflect and allow things to marinate. but for now, i feel both solid and empowered by the choices i've made.
circling back to you, friend.
i'd like this post's takeaway to be about how you'd navigate these sorts of deeply muddied waters.
you know, when you perceive that a deep wronging has occurred and you aren't sure how to respond because 'it's complicated.'
or where do you draw the line between airing one's so-called 'dirty laundry' and basically being of service to the public or greater good?
or what advice might you offer a friend who has just had an illusion shattered?
or even your thoughts on cancel culture? like, when is it warranted (if ever)? or what makes someone 'cancelable'?
or whether you're currently pedestaling anyone, and whether it's fair to them if you are?
we all have moments in our lives where we're put in untenable situations and we need to make a decision, where none of the options feel good. what values will guide your decisions?
that is all.
thank you for reading! if you’d like to learn more about me (kristi amdahl), la que sabe (she who knows), and my offerings, please mosey on down to my about page. thanks!
